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HELP FOR PARTNERS OF PORN ADDICTS

This is a great guest post from Lindsay McKinnon at a very informative website for the partners of porn addicts called http://www.dontrewardbadbehaviour.com

HELP FOR PARTNERS OF PORN ADDICTS  

by

Lindsay McKinnon

I lived with a porn addicted partner for over three years... which resulted in my being treated for post traumatic stress disorder.

When I was looking for help for partners of porn addicts, I found very little. There is a huge misconception about porn addiction and what it is. Unless counsellors are specifically trained  in sexual addiction, then they can cause far more harm than good with their 'it's healthy, all men do it' advice. To begin, they do not recognise that it is an addiction or that they are dealing with an addict.

Like any other addict HE WILL LIE about how much he views, how it affects his thinking, his love making, his relationships.

HE IS AN ADDICT - HE WILL LIE ABOUT EVERYTHING. (my partner told his counsellor he watched no more than a couple of hours a week - in fact, he regularly watched up to eight hours a day).

The spouse of a porn addict is made to feel that she is the one that has the problem and should chill out...'it doesn't mean he doesn't love you' is not only not helpful, it is entirely wrong. Tests that were done with Rubin's Love Scale proved that even after a short exposure to porn, partners felt less attraction and less love for their partner.

For the partner it is a living nightmare. You feel as though you are the one running through the streets in Invasion of the Body Snatchers, desperately trying to tell others that your once loving partner is now a soulless unfeeling husk, but are looked on as being delusional - which only adds to the trauma.

Comments such as 'just sit down and talk to him about it' show a total lack of understanding of what is happening. If you just 'sat down and talked' to a coke addict about his addiction, would you really be naive enough to believe it would help? Of course not.

Yet porn is more addictive than cocaine.

Dopamine and Norepinephrine among other naturally produced chemicals provide a volatile cocktail that make porn the hardest drug to overcome,  and - unlike cocaine - the addict WILL NEVER GET IT OUT OF HIS SYSTEM. Images are burnt on to the brain that remain forever, and will come into his mind when he is making love to his partner, whether he wants them to or not.

The brain is physically rewired and actually changes shape to produce new neural pathways away from sex with a human being and instead toward masturbation to porn, until it becomes the only way he can attain satisfaction. To get the same level of his fix of Dopamine he has to watch more porn and watch a greater intensity of degradation (producing a testosterone rush).

Unfortunately, unless you have lived through this dreadful experience, or are trained to deal with porn or sex addiction specifically,  you cannot possibly begin to understand the devastating effects it has on a couple. Eventually the man is unable to make love unless he watches porn first and brings in some of the most degrading acts into what was once a healthy loving relationship.

Porn has become rife over the last twenty years and incidents of erectile dysfunction are now happening with young guys in their twenties because of it, We are now seeing the effects of the first generation that has been brought up in a porn culture where their first exposure to porn happens from age 11. Not Playboy porn, but hardcore, torture, degradation and rape - all free and all at the click of a button and all going into the brain of our youth, who think its a 'good way to learn about sex.'

Porn desensitizes to an alarming degree. In the UK we have just jailed a man for murdering 'the girl next door', by re-enacting the porn scenes that he watched regularly. When he had dumped the body, he went out for pizza and texted his g/f that he was bored.

I was devastated by my partner's addiction (and his skewed views on what was normal... including ideas that children should be able to make up their own minds if they are ready for sex or not). I couldn't find help anywhere.

I decided to use my skills as a writer and created a web site

www.dontrewardbadbehaviour.com (brit spelling of behaviour) and am nearing completion of a book for partners called You Want Me To Do WHAT With That?! The Life Expectancy of a Relationship With a Porn Addict.

The site, and the book are written in a humorous style, but none the less serious in their intent. Humour breaks down many barriers and, by putting the situation the partner is facing in a way that shows how ridiculous it is, it helps the partner face what is a soul destroying situation.

The book includes comments and interviews with people and experts from all areas, including ex porn performers who show clearly how 'harmless' porn is not. You will also hear from porn performers who themselves are married to porn addicts, who will not make love to them, but will masturbate to porn instead.(which I think should be indluded in the dictionary under the definition for irony)

I would love to hear from partners of porn addicts, who have a story they would like to share with me to help other women.

I am starting a video series on my website in which I will be taking real stories and looking at what solutions are available in various situations.

I beg of other users not to confuse casual porn use with addiction and post comments that suggest 'simply do' this that or the other. There is no simple solution and porn addicts can take years to get over their addiction, with most failing to stay 'sober'.

I leave you with these statistics

Over 56% of divorces now cite excessive porn use in their petition.
Partners are most often mistreated for a problem they have, not for the resulting trauma of living with their partner's addiction.

One expert claims that 70% of partners end up being treated for post traumatic stress disorder (as I was).

Finally the Directory of  Mental Disorders will be adding porn addiction to their 2012 edition - which will hopefully result in a better education among counsellors.

This is a serious addiction, it is rife and it is devastating.                          No one wants to shout from the rooftops 'hey I can't get it up for my girlfriend anymore cos I watch too much porn', so it remains under the radar while spreading faster than an internet virus.

On the site there is a fun (yes, fun!) his/hers quiz, Paramour or Porn Perv which may throw some light on what you are facing and give you a laugh at the same time.

I wish you all the love and affection you are undoubtedly no longer getting at home.

Good luck

Lindsay McKinnon

Russell Brand! Is he talking sense now?

Knobhead on the rise.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-24648651

Watch this interview between Russell Brand

Brand, as you all know, is Bob's Nemesis, as he sucks the humour out of any situation.

But since he has stopped taking ridiculous amounts of various substances, he seems to be able to string a sentence together and his knobheadery seems to be largely absent.

Watch the way he handles Paxman, whose normal way is to shout people down, but Brand gives him nothing to shout him down about, so he is left there floundering for a negative headline and failing miserably.

Check out Brand's evidence to the Parliamentary Commision on drugs.....he actually argues a very sound case.

I never thought I would ever say itand Bob will probably make me take this post down, but WELL DONE RUSSELL.

Keep up the good work and stay off the knobhead making substances and who knows, in a few years you might be in a position to effect how things are run around here.

www.burybob.com

Overcoming  Addiction to Porn

 

Download 'Overcoming Addiction to Porn'

a great new  free eBook

by British writer and presenter

Lindsay McKinnon

NOW!

 www.dontrewardbadbehaviour.com

A 'must read' for the Partners of Porn Addicts!

Get your copy NOW!

Help in the battle to overcome addiction to porn

and eliminate it's effects from your life!

We want Internet Service Providers to be responsible for blocking adult content from normal web traffic.

They should have an opt in rather than opt out policy regarding the delivery of porn into your home.

Lindsay McKinnon's in depth eBook on the subject of

being a partner of a porn addict is available free

for three more days before going on sale,

so get a copy before the offer ends..

 FOR THREE MORE DAYS ONLY

OFFER ENDS 10th JUNE

Join the Campaign for Real Men not Porn Eunuchs.

JOIN HERE

 

 You Want Me To Do WHAT With That?!

The Life Expectancy of a Relationship with a Porn Addict

by

Lindsay McKinnon

Overcoming Addiction to Porn

from the partner’s point of view.

A fascinating look at the secret world of the porn addict

and the effect their addiction has on those around them.

Written from the heart, with her Liverpool humour helping  to soften some of the punches, Lindsay McKinnon has made this book a very personal encounter, with a very brave and articulate woman. She has not only lived through what she is writing about, she strives  to understand what happened to her, with the help of some of the worlds leading authorities on addiction to sex and pornography.

Unashamedly written for the partner and showing up porn addiction for what it is…….the result of a deliberate campaign using every add man trick in the book and a few that are’nt in there. A multi billion dollar business that hooks thousands of new addicts every day ….a good percentage of them under 16.

Join her Campaign for Real Men not Porn Eunuchs  to help bring this subject of overcoming addiction to porn into the public domain and we need you to make our voice louder, so that we can regain some control of our society and reclaim sexual intimacy for real people.

Lindsay McKinnon’s

much awaited book is    

OUT NOW!!!

FIND YOUR COPY HERE

You Want Me To Do What With That?!

The Life Expectancy of a Relationship with a Porn Addict

 Your chance for a limited time

to win a  free copy.

GET IT HERE

You Want Me To Do What With That?!

 The Life Expectancy of a Relationship With a Porn Addict,

is an in-depth look at the problems of  dealing with ”porn addiction” from the point of view of the partner ….. the porn widow. They often end up in therapy for ;PTSD, in the divorce court (over 53% of divorces now cite porn use in their case) and in extreme cases committing suicide.

Lindsay has had much help and encouragement from many of the top researchers in the field, many of whom can be found on her Chatting with Lindsay. pod casts.

The book has taken  nine months to write and led Lindsay to many of  the counsellors, psychologists and alternative therapists, who assist her in her quest to help partners of porn addicts on the road to sexual and spiritual recovery.

Lindsay has written a humorous and informative manual for staying sane, that is easy to read and will help the reader to deal with the pain of her porn addicted partner’s actions.

The approach is that of a best friend offering support, advice, empowerment and a kick up the ass when required.

Lindsay’s Liverpudlian character shines through in her straight from the hip style.

The reader gets all the facts, from the scientific data (explained in a language you won’t find in any text book), statistics on everything from he rate of employees accessing porn in the work place,to the  alarming increase in the risk of  infidelity and divorce.

There are case studies, interviews and quotes from scientists, psychologists, porn users, partners and even porn performers.

The end of the book is the beginning of the readers new life as she learns how to heal and discovers more about Lindsay’s own            alarming and at times, heartbreaking  journey.

This book will be educating partners of porn addicts for many years to come. I know you will agree.

To start on your road to overcoming

addiction to porn follow this link

Ian Jameson Editor

It has been a long journey from when I first began to write You Want Me To Do WHAT With That ?! almost a year ago, to where I am now.  In that year, since leaving my porn addicted partner I have built my website, read numerous books, watched god knows how many documentaries researched countless psychological studies and communicated with people across the world from porn performers to those in positions of power in the governments on both sides of the pond.  While I was going through my own healing, I learned how badly others had been hurt. In researching the abuse that many partners of porn addicts go through, I also discovered the abuse that so many porn performers go through.  The reason this book is so effective, is precisely because it was written as I was going through the process of my own healing.  Everything the partner will feel, everything she will want to know, to understand, every miserable painful part of this journey there will be someone by her side taking the journey with her and understanding all those little things that she cannot seem to make anyone else understand or is too embarrassed to talk about.  The book will give you a laugh, will make you angry, will make you see your partner’s addiction for what it is and will help you see for yourself through what I did and what many other women have done, exactly what  you are dealing with and the reality of the options you have open to you.  I researched, interviewed and tried to find answers to all those things that didn’t even begin to make sense to me; like, why would any red blooded male who appeared to have a passion for sex be turned off by it?  Why would someone, who deemed himself to be open minded and liberal and not stifled by the confines of the prudish way society looks on sex – flinch at a sexual touch?  Why would a man who declared that I was the greatest of his loves and the epitome of his ideal type - give his sexual attention to anyone and anything but me?  I had never felt so alone, so betrayed, so confused, frustrated, insulted, unloved, rejected or sexually frustrated as I had in my relationship with him.  This process of writing this book coincided with the journey I took and many of you will take - From the darkest time of leaving a man I loved to live alone in an empty house without a penny to my name or a stick of furniture to sit on, to being so happy that I begin every day with a huge smile on my face.  He? He is in exactly the same place he was before – except a few steps closer to bankruptcy and losing his house. He’s still an addict. Like the porn equivalent of Miss Haversham, will probably be found dead, dodger in one hand, mouse in the other covered in cobwebs and surrounded by broken dreams.  Porn is everywhere, which doesn’t help the addict or the partner, who is surrounded by triggers (you will learn more about triggers in the book). Say anything that is not pro porn though and you are met with a knee jerk reaction of ‘just because you’re a prude doesn’t mean you should take away my enjoyment’ or ‘well you don’t have to watch, just switch channels’  Porn has become so prevalent; it’s not as easy as that. Instead of actively seeking out porn if you want to see it, you have to actively avoid it if you don’t;  Which is specifically why the book, the site and the Campaign are neither pro nor anti porn.  They are about the harms porn does.  ‘that makes you anti porn then!’  No, it doesn’t.  Ok, let’s say you took your kid to his new school and on the alphabet pictures placed around the wall you saw R is for Rimming and a graphic display to aid learning. You might think it a little inappropriate.  Or if they were selling homemade hooch in the school tuck shop, next to the liquorice allsorts and cola, you would wonder at the sanity of the head teacher  The problem is not with what consenting adults do behind closed doors, or with alcohol, it is with the impropriety of WHERE they are being shown or sold and that they are being placed in front of an audience they were not intended for.  Having  a problem with someone giving free gin and tonics to two year olds,  does not mean you want all drink to be banned.  Likewise, having a problem with kids being shown a ‘ho’ being torn a ‘new one’  does not necessarily mean you want to ban all porn.  In this instance anti porn or pro porn is beside the point Those who are into porn should be just as concerned with who sees it and the side effects it can have on the psyche as anyone else. Why would that be a problem?  The research that has been done on the effects of smoking means that people are able to make a more educated decision as to whether or not they are going to smoke. It’s also meant that non smokers don’t have to be exposed to someone else’s nicotine habit.  Likewise porn; if the user knows the detrimental effects it can have, it’s then up to them to make a more educated decision as to what they watch, and how much they watch.  It should also mean that those who don’t want to be exposed to someone else’s porn habit, shouldn’t have to be.  Primarily, the book and the site are to do with helping the partner of the porn addict, whether porn is here to stay or not, the damage being done by it, needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.  I’m here to help you  get your mojo back, which his porn habit has trampled all over.  I’m here to help you see that ‘yes, he is behaving like a total a’hole, it’s not your imagination and it is most definitatley NOT YOUR FAULT.  The book is humorous, it’s hard hitting, it’s realistic, and it’s about as romantic as your average porno, ie, not at all. One of you running away from reality to live in a land called fantasy is bad enough.  In the second part of the intro,  I will tell you more about the Campaign for REAL MEN not PORN EUNUCHS.  Both, apparently acceptable; the performer is just a ho, she gets paid for what she does therefore, her human rights no longer exist, likewise the spouse of the addict, if she objects to being treated like the ‘ho’ on the screen, she’s a prude, she’s frigid, she’s jealous, so her complaints that what he wants her to do are painful or degrading are dismissed = her rights as a fully paid up partner in this relationship, are  irrelevant and cease to exist.  I had no problem with porn when I began my relationship with my partner, but I did have a problem with the lack of sex. Eventually, the amount of porn he watched and the type of porn he watched worked like aversion therapy on me.  There was no reasoning with him though, as there is no reasoning with anyone who is heavily into porn. They become defensive and angry. Like Gollum they defend their precioussss porn to the death.

The trouble with porn on the internet is..........what?

I have just spent the last year watching a a friend of mine grow from a shrivelled defeated urchin to a Bodecian warrior woman, sword and shield at the ready.....(I always hide the blue paint when she comes round.)
Lindsay McKinnon came out of a ruinous three year relationship with a porn addict not as a victim or a survivor but as a Celtic goddess ready to rid the planet of porn addiction and if necessary it's causes.
Her new Ebook ''You want me to do WHAT with that?! The Life Expectancy of a Relationship with a Porn Addict'', which is published this month is not only filled with facts and figures and places to get help with porn addiction issues, Lindsay also adds her personal perspective and usually wrapped it in her dry Liverpool wit.
This book is a great read and designed with the PTSD sufferer in mind......many partners of porn addicts are treated for the symptoms of this disorder......it's easy on the eye and lots of funny images to break up the text, more magazine than book at times.
She manages to give the book a narrative, she wrote it as she herself repaired....and the growth can be heard in the voice of the writer as the book progresses.
When you see figures like 50% of men have a problem with porn in one form or another you begin to realise this is a massive problem not just in the UK but even in the third world.



I watched a BBC documentary where a bunch of African guys are sat around in a mud hut watching American porn and talking about how they go out into the village after and find women to re-enact what they have been watching. Rape in other words.
The days when guys would treasure a penthouse magazine for that pic that really turned him on are gone.
Now we require a million pixels per millesecond to get a similar rush. Familiarity really does breed contempt. The porn addict rages at the screen but has nothing to give a real flesh and blood woman.
The partner of the porn addict rages at at the wall in a society that sees her partner's addiction as ''a bit of fun''.



That ''Bit of fun'' ruins thousands of lives every year and it's getting worse.........The Government have realised there's a problem..thus the new measures to stop porn at source. This would remove quite a lot of vulnerable people out of the direct firing line.
The first thing I heard when this was announced was the civil liberties cry....well sorry I don't think allowing kids access to snuff sex movies is something that comes into the civil liberties arena.
If someone wants access to porn then really it's not such a big thing to expect them to have to ask for it. In hotels you have to ask for access to the porn channels so why not on the porn internet channels. We need to separate this market off from mainstream traffic. It can still be there for people who see it as a freedom thing..but don't come complaining if your kids see a baby being eaten alive.




We need to decide as a society, if images of what ,only a few short years ago , would have been call perverted, are really appropriate for young boys and girls to learn their sexual vocabulary from.



I am not trying to suppress anything or anyone I just think if you wouldn't want your kids to see something, then really the choice should be to turn the porn on ...rather than as it is now where you have to turn it off. It's one question on the sign in stage and it's done. Just cos you want access dent mean there's something wrong with you... it just means that you are taking responsibility for policing the internet use in your household.



It's time we started talking about the elephant in the room and Lindsay's book is a very good conversation starter.



Check out her podcasts with experts in the field of porn addiction on the Chatting with Lindsay page of her website www. dontrewrdbadbehaviour.com

Who's joke is it anyway?

Last month I wrote a witty one-liner; it referenced a high profile news story at the time and was unique. I told a couple of my friends who thought it was really funny, so I posted it on Twitter. 4 days later, whilst watching a very popular comedy news programme on mainstream television, I saw my joke being repeated verbatim by a well known comedian.
Was I seething? Was I flying to my laptop to track down this disgraceful rapscallions’ website so I could harangue him mercilessly? Was I contacting my shady friends from the local underworld so they could go around, have a quiet word & get my joke back for me? Erm, no.
I sat for a moment, sipped my tea gently, like a guru from the Orient (not Leyton) with all the mystical calm that comes with deep understanding, and smiled to myself. In my mind, I was certain of something. Whether or not my original joke had been ‘utilized’ (plagiarised is such an accusatory and tasteless word) or the comedian in question had merely arrived at the same cerebral place as I independently, it meant that the humour that was emitting from my weird and sometimes wonderful, sometimes ‘blunderful’ brain was deemed fit for the masses.
With the advent of the internet, digital time stamping, intellectual property and the like, many people have become more than a little obsessed with who wrote what first. As if it was a crime for somebody to come up with the same idea at a later date. I pride myself on trying to be original, surreal, fresh & inventive when it comes to writing comedy. Jokes – especially one-liners – have been something I decided to try my hand at recently. I penned over 250 jokes in 2 months on a famous website, only to find that 15 were deemed duplicates that had previously appeared there. The tenet ‘great minds think alike’ or ‘idiocy loves company’ sprang to my surprised mind.
I remember the furore over Bill Hicks’ material being ripped off by Dennis Leary, who has gone on to make a very successful career. Hicks is remembered fondly for his originality and style, and yes, it appears Leary copied a good part of his act for a while. Hicks died 17 years ago, Leary is now a popular movie figure, seemingly continuing to be successful after his main source of material had passed on. I reserve judgement, but it portrays a strange change in the lifespan of a joke.
When I was a teenager in the early 1980s, all jokes were heard in the playground, the pub, at the match or in the young offenders unit. You heard a good one, you passed it on. Many originated in the comedy club scene: Bernard Manning, Chubby Brown, Jimmy Jones etc. or from television, Ben Elton, Eddie Murphy, Richard Pryor, Dave Allen etc. People relayed them to share the humour, to have a common ground, a point of reference, or just to give the lads a good laugh in the vault on a Saturday night. Nowadays it appears to be about separatism, ownership, a competitive need to be the first to get the text joke out to all your mates.
Humour has become competitive. Stand ups like Gary Delaney are accused of stealing from websites; he is counter-accusing website users of stealing his material. Did a joke originate with Tim Vine? Or was it one of Tommy Cooper’s? Does it really matter? We’ve reluctantly put the ‘fun’ in dysfunctional – it’s only a small observation of society’s changing ways, but it definitely highlights the way technology has increased paranoia & selfishness in the 21^st century. As the baby goat said to me, “I kid, you not”.
http://www.burybob.com/

Manchester comedian Bury Bob at burybob.com

Manchester comedian Bury Bob at burybob.com

Alternative comedy in Manchester with Bury Bob

Are you sick of BBC comedy crap. Check out Manchester comedian Bury Bob

June 6, 2011 //

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About a year ago I returned to the UK to try and ”get back to my roots” after living in Canada, Spain and Denmark over a period of 15 years.
My goal was to gather together a bunch of talented people I had known for years and get some kind of coop together. People from different disciplines working together to create material that was as far away from the tired BBC, ITV mainstream as possible. My theory was ”If I’m sick of this crap”, there must be a large number of people out there who are thinking the same and with the internet it’s just a matter of finding those people.
I got in touch with the guy I’d met in Spain and we began to meet once a week at my flat ‘ up int thills’ above Manchester,UK.  He was an ex ”olic’ , that is, if you could abuse it he’d taken it and he also suffered from schizophrenia – not the best choice of a business partner, you might think – but we found that we clicked on many levels and began to work on a project to take into the schools around Salford to use his experiences to warn kids from rougher areas about the consequences of substance abuse.
He had always had the nick name of bury bobz so we decided to take the z off and make it Bury Bob and build the character around that. One afternoon I said ”Right lets try something different”
We set the camera rolling….my little 5 year old Panasonic camcorder – turned down the lights and started talking. Very quickly Bob appeared. An opinionated scally Manchester bloke with a very warped, but very funny view of the world. I sat behind the camera and watched in amazement as …the one who shall henceforth be known as Bury bob…came to life,
Over the next 3 months we had more of these sessions and uploaded them to You Tube and slowly but surely other characters began to appear from  Bob’s schizophrenic, from Terry Bull. q list confidant to the stars,well asteroids, to Snood P Whipper Salford’s urban warrior poet, rapper and general bad boy subversive. We even have a cannibal chef called Canny Kenny Bull ,Terry’s cousin.
Bob built a very strange and very orange website and over the following months developed a place where he could let us share his warped imagination and uniquely funny veiw of the world we live in.
We wanted to get to all those people who are sick of Saturday night pap and have an interactive site where people could send in questions for Bob and then film his responses. It would be an interesting experiment in interactive internet improv comedy. (Try saying that after a few smokes…I mean pints)
We built up Bob’s back story and  sketched out a family history so we could begin to involve other people, which was my original plan.
We intend to carry on working as a small tight knit group doing stuff that makes us laugh and having a bit of fun. Eventually we will be doing a full podcast with all the characters turning up and involving a larger group of friends and colleagues, but first we have to make a little money and we are relying on advertisers and donations for that as we would like to keep the site as free as possible for our users who need a laugh, because they don’t have any money or a job or a….don’t let me go there, I don’t want to have a rant.
We are also looking to help local good causes and I recently met a wonderful inspiring man called David Feldman from The Princes Trust group of charities and am hoping to be able to help in their goal to make Burnley rise from the ashes of despair and become the guiding light for inner city regeneration in the 21^st century. They are doing wonderful things there in a very practical way.
So you guys , our aims are modest…to bring a little sunshine and laughter into people’s lives in these dark times.
So if you like the sound of Bury Bob and would like to have a private chuckle check out the website and register with us so we can keep you informed and find out what is important in your world.
Just as a footnote we have also done several tunes that might be of interest, one of which is currently in the top 50 at revernation.com an online indie music chart. Your votes would be appreciated there a we would love to get to number one. The song is called Only on F  in Salford featuring Snood P Whipper

My name is Ian Jameson …henceforth known as
Uncle Joe Bloggs
Love and peace and all that shit!
http://www.burybob.com/

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